By Genoa Barrow | OBSERVER Senior Staff Writer

Anthony Graves has been in therapy more than a decade, but still faces a number of mental health challenges, some of which he’s only just now getting clarity on.

“I don’t really feel like I’m on the road to recovery,” says Graves, 35. “Right now, I feel stuck still. I am dealing with questioning myself and I blame myself for not learning certain things until now. I’m stuck there and I don’t know how to get out of it.”

Graves says he deals with anger, depression, bad thoughts and codependency and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression by a new doctor, after being told by his first doctor that he had none of those things.

“Kaiser refused to diagnose me and give me proper help with PTSD, ADHD, OCD, depression, and some other diagnoses that I ended up getting after I left them,” Graves says. “They didn’t think I needed the roundabout help I really needed because of their own biases about me, even when I tried to tell them otherwise.”

Graves has made strides, but feels held back by his mental health issues.

“I’ve overcome my inability to hold onto a job,” he says.

Graves is a cashier at Walmart and drives for both Uber and Lyft.

“I’m battling against my anger over my having gone 35 years without getting proper and complete mental health help,” he continues. “I have been seeking help from mental health professionals for about 11 years or more. I kept being denied the proper diagnoses and help up until very recently.” 

Graves says he started having mental health concerns at age 24. He worked and attended college off and on. During one of those “on” periods, an English assignment caught his teacher’s attention.

“I expressed something in a college class that sounded like I was really angry and wanted to get back at somebody,” Graves recounts. “That teacher had me go speak to a counselor that was on campus. The counselor asked me if I had anger problems and other issues. I denied it. Back then I didn’t think mental health was an issue for me. Part of that was because I felt like I was conditioned to think that by my dad. I couldn’t really claim to have any mental disabilities or mental health issues.”

Diagnosis Denied

At this point, Graves started thinking more about his mental health. He recalls watching the TV program “Intervention” and relating to some of the people on the show whose addictions stemmed from mental illness.

“I started doing some research and I talked to my pastor and my pastor said I should go see a psychiatrist and therapist,” Graves says. 

He attended sessions for a few months initially, but felt like he wasn’t being heard.

“The psychiatrist was kind of short with me and was saying he’s only concerned about giving me medication.”

The psychiatrist’s best advice, he says, was to “let it go.”

“He was kind of dismissive. I started sending emails to my psychiatrist letting him know about my concerns about having OCD and depression and many other things. I even mentioned post-traumatic stress disorder because I experienced child abuse and neglect. I was afraid to mention it, but I told my therapist back then I think I have post-traumatic stress disorder and he was like, ‘No, you don’t have that.’”

Everything that one doctor told Graves he didn’t have, another told him he did.

“I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder about three years ago, in 2021, by a different psychiatrist. I switched out of Kaiser in 2020,” Graves says. “I think she listened more or listened better.”

It was also at Kaiser, he says, where it was suggested that he had mild autism. He’s never had an assessment, however. He plans to do so in the near future.

According to the U.S. Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee, the average age of autism diagnosis is 4 years. Many, however, don’t get diagnosed until high school. Experts say that delay postpones access to early interventions, which lowers their effectiveness. While some say adulthood is too late to find out a person is on the autism spectrum, others say knowing definitively can give someone a greater sense of self-worth and can be  a positive step toward accessing resources.

A myriad of mental health issues impact Graves’ everyday life.

“I kind of feel like therapy is starting to be helpful right now, but I didn’t really think it was helpful before. I’ve been in therapy for about 11 or more years. I wish that I was in therapy when I was a child, but my parents never had me in therapy, even though I was diagnosed with stuff as a child.

“I’ve been in therapy for about 11 or more years, but there are terms I just learned about.”

Terms like executive dysfunction, rejection sensitivity dysphoria and emotional dysregulation.

“I’m having a tough time doing tasks, managing time and tasks,” Graves says of executive dysfunction. 

“Rejection sensitivity dysphoria is described as having extreme emotional reactions, or feelings on the inside when I get criticized or rejected in any way by anyone, or I feel like somebody said something wrong to me. I don’t take criticism well at all. Anytime I’m criticized, I feel really uneasy on the inside. I question myself and who I am. I question my value. I even question whose side God is on or what is God saying to me? Or how do I amend this? Sometimes, I don’t know.”

Letting go of situations, as his former psychiatrist suggested, hasn’t been easy.

“I’ve hung on to them until I could talk to somebody, my therapist or recovery sponsor.”

Childhood Trauma

“My dad was not in my life until I was 13. My mom was a single mother. I had some family members around that were verbally abusive to me and one of them was physically abusive to me. Then when my dad came into my life he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me.”

Graves went to live with his father in Stockton, where the abuse continued, he says. There, he says his father insisted that he become a Christian, but subsequently used religion to berate him.

“My mom suffered from depression and my dad has had unresolved anger problems.” Graves says. “My dad was abusive to my mom before I was born. My mom and dad never married. My dad married someone else and he was abusive to her as well.”

Mental illness, Graves says, keeps him from being in relationships of his own. He shies away from dating for fear of rejection.

Graves has sought out local support groups, including Black Men Alive and Well, and Celebrate Recovery. He appreciates being connected to needed resources and he hopes to find camaraderie with other men, since he didn’t have a relationship with his father. He’s also seeking ways to cope. Results have been mixed.

“I often try to get something out of it, but I end up not getting what I want out of it,” Graves says. “Somewhere along the line, I still cling onto guilt and shame for what I’ve experienced. I am not letting that go because I lost some relationships and opportunities that I still wish I had.”

While still on his mental health journey, Graves finds joy in art and watching mystery movies. He also counts driving for Uber and Lyft and hanging out with his two friends as bright spots in his life. Graves wants to learn how to lean on his faith more.

“I am a strong believer in Jesus Christ. I’ll have to figure out how to develop a relationship that I want with him,” he says. “I know he talks to me in His Spirit, in me, but I still don’t know how to register that. Sometimes I don’t know how to accept that. So that’s a journey that I need help on,  that I am willing to continue on.”

“Head Space: Exploring Black Men’s Mental Health” is an OBSERVER’s special series.This project is being reported with the support of the USC Annenberg Center for Health Journalism’s 2024 Ethnic Media Collaborative, Healing California. Senior Staff Writer Genoa Barrow and The OBSERVER are among the collaborative’s inaugural participants.