By Laura Onyeneho | Houston Defender | Word In Black
This post was originally published on Defender Network
(WIB) – I recently watched an episode of Family or Fiancé on OWN, and a particular scene really stuck with me.
It was a moment between a Nigerian mother-in-law and her future daughter-in-law, a Black American woman. The disagreement started over something as simple as clearing a plate, but it quickly escalated into a heated conversation, with the mother-in-law insisting that the younger woman was being disrespectful. The fiancée, meanwhile, remained calm and willing to learn, but instead of using it as a teaching moment, the elder woman responded with hostility.
I was raised in a culture where respecting your elders wasn’t optional—it was a given. You spoke to adults with deference and didn’t interrupt their conversations or challenge them. But as I watched that scene unfold, I couldn’t help but wonder: Does seniority alone entitle someone to automatic respect? Or is there a deeper issue in our community regarding how respect is given and received?
Not only did the episode turn into a major viral moment that sparked a larger debate about the impact of cultural differences in relationships, but it also focused on younger folks being “expected” to engage with elders.
Some people felt that the mother-in-law’s anger was justified, that the fiancée should have instinctively known better. Others pointed out that respect should go both ways and that the older woman’s aggressive behavior was unnecessary and unhelpful. And honestly, I agree with the latter. If we truly want younger generations to honor their elders, we must ensure respect is earned and reciprocated.
The shifting dynamics of respect
Why would someone who deserves unconditional respect just because they’re older than someone else? Growing older is a blessing but, you don’t gain wisdom simply by growing older. You gain it by learning from your experiences, being open to new perspectives and recognizing that you don’t know everything. Unfortunately, we don’t always see that in our elders today.
There’s no question that–compared to previous generations–young people today have a different relationship with authority figures. A lot of that is cultural. In many nations worldwide, elders are still revered and their words are treated as gospel. In certain African and Caribbean cultures, for example, younger people are expected to greet their elders in a specific way and follow their instructions without question. The Bible itself speaks of old age as a sign of wisdom, particularly in Proverbs 16:31: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”
But in America, things are shifting. Youth is now often valued over experience, and our culture tends to prioritize the next big thing rather than looking to the past for wisdom. Social media, in particular, has widened the generational gap.
Younger people feel empowered to challenge authority in ways that were unheard of just a few decades ago. Some of this is good. It allows for growth and progress, but it also means that respect is no longer assumed.
Yet, even with this cultural shift, many young people still crave wisdom and mentorship from elders. The problem is that they don’t always see that wisdom being demonstrated. If an elder demands respect but not offer it in return, why should they expect young people to listen? Respect should be modeled, not just commanded.
I’ve seen too many elders use their age as an excuse for bad behavior, expecting younger people to tolerate it simply because of tradition. But respect isn’t a one-way street. A title—whether it’s “Elder,” “Mama,” “Big Auntie,” or anything else—doesn’t mean much if it’s not backed by character and integrity.
This doesn’t mean young folks are off the hook. It was rare to see kids blatantly disrespecting their elders, but now it’s all too common. From rolling their eyes, cussin’ and talking back, the shift is undeniable.
So, what’s the solution? I believe we need to redefine how we approach respect across generations. Elders should recognize that respect isn’t something you’re simply owed—it’s something you inspire. That means leading with patience, kindness, and a willingness to guide rather than criticize. If a young person is willing to learn, don’t dismiss them—teach them.
At the same time, young people must recognize that not all wisdom comes from Google or social media. Some of the best lessons in life come from sitting with elders and actually listening. The knowledge they hold isn’t always written in books or shared in trending tweets—it’s lived experience, passed down through generations. But to access it, we have to be willing to engage.